Rip it to shreds! >:3
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Haiden [Husky & Sheltie Breeder] (#18607)
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The below little blurb is just a story i made up maybe a few minutes ago, for the sole purpose of you guys tearing it to shreds!
I mean it! Do I ramble? Does it need something to spice it up a bit? Any spelling mistakes, or do I keep switching POV(point of view)??I need honest opinions, I'm trying to finalize my comic's story structure but I need to know what my writing needs to make it the best it can be.
The below is supposed to be first person POV, and the main character is a wolf (my comic is about animals);
I was woken up as light from the moon struck my face. Trying to regain my sences from my sleep, I slowly opened one of my eyes to survail my surroundings.
I was in a cave, a little small, but big enough for me to stand up in. There was a little water leaking in, but just enough to form a puddle by my paws. I glanced towards the mouth of the cave to see two large males there, standing guard.
I slowly rolled to my belly, trying not to alert my guards that I had regained conciousness. Relaxed, but ready to bolt if the opportunity came. I focused on the mouth of the cave, hoping to hear anything beyond the walls.
"...sure she won't get away?" I perked my ears at the familiar voice. "Of course, I have two of my finest males guarding her now." I mentally growled at the second voice, forcing my neck fur to flatten as their paw steps approached the cave.
"Alpha, these are her guards Athen and Jason." I squinted my eyes to see an old silver/white wolf and a dark russet/brown wolf approach the two guards.
"Two guards are not enough, Calder! You should increase her security, five- no, ten guards at all times!" The silver Alpha snapped.
"Alpha, I assure you that-" "No! No more mistakes! Increase her guards by tomorrow, or I'll find someone else to do it!" He growled, walking away. Calder sneered at his back, glancing once at the guards before walking away...
This story is supposedly action/mystery, but i dont really care.
Rip it to shreds! >:3
I mean it! Do I ramble? Does it need something to spice it up a bit? Any spelling mistakes, or do I keep switching POV(point of view)??I need honest opinions, I'm trying to finalize my comic's story structure but I need to know what my writing needs to make it the best it can be.
The below is supposed to be first person POV, and the main character is a wolf (my comic is about animals);
I was woken up as light from the moon struck my face. Trying to regain my sences from my sleep, I slowly opened one of my eyes to survail my surroundings.
I was in a cave, a little small, but big enough for me to stand up in. There was a little water leaking in, but just enough to form a puddle by my paws. I glanced towards the mouth of the cave to see two large males there, standing guard.
I slowly rolled to my belly, trying not to alert my guards that I had regained conciousness. Relaxed, but ready to bolt if the opportunity came. I focused on the mouth of the cave, hoping to hear anything beyond the walls.
"...sure she won't get away?" I perked my ears at the familiar voice. "Of course, I have two of my finest males guarding her now." I mentally growled at the second voice, forcing my neck fur to flatten as their paw steps approached the cave.
"Alpha, these are her guards Athen and Jason." I squinted my eyes to see an old silver/white wolf and a dark russet/brown wolf approach the two guards.
"Two guards are not enough, Calder! You should increase her security, five- no, ten guards at all times!" The silver Alpha snapped.
"Alpha, I assure you that-" "No! No more mistakes! Increase her guards by tomorrow, or I'll find someone else to do it!" He growled, walking away. Calder sneered at his back, glancing once at the guards before walking away...
This story is supposedly action/mystery, but i dont really care.
Rip it to shreds! >:3
Haiden [Husky & Sheltie Breeder] (#18607)
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12-30-2011 at 4:13 PM
thank you, i found some spelling mistakes after reading it again, and edited out one \'snapped\' for the alpha...<br /> <br /> repeating phrases strike again! xD
BeautyMyBaby (#12554)
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12-30-2011 at 3:59 PM
I.... can\'t think of anything but that I want to keep reading! It is very interesting! Great Work!